Just take a walk outside, what kind of faces do you see?
a) Cold, sick, resentful and angry
b) Cheerful, kind, warm-hearted and loving
90% of people will vote for the option a.
Isn’t that strange?
Anger is the shortest way to turn life into hell, but still, we let it occupy such a huge place in our life.
It is not possible to carry negative and positive emotions at the same time. That means we can’t be happy and joyful while spilling out anger all day long.
The question is…
“What went wrong and people lost the ability to enjoy life?“
This does not mean that we are all mean and bad people by the way.
This is just the proof of we are angry whether we accept or not.
There is no way to hide anger because it will inevitably appear on our behaviors. Anger is easily detectable by anyone from the way we look, talk and walk…
Here’s another big question.
Is anger really bad for us?
Yes and no.
If you are wise, anger is a gift from God. It’s a highly important emotion that might help you to understand who you are. If you are a fool, it can easily lead you to drown yourself in the ocean.
Anger is an alarm system that is designed to warn you about how to live your life estimably and honorably. Wait a minute, it seems like there is a contradiction here. If anger is a virtue, why do we think of it like trouble?
Because people don’t know how to take advantage of their anger and they end up becoming a slave to it. It’s a storm grows inside of us, but we do not create it manually, it happens in a natural way.
Anger is a natural and mostly automatic response.
Therefore, “I will no longer get angry” attitude is totally wrong. I often hear these bullshit statements from the “gurus” all the time.
- Why do you get angry? You don’t need to be angry at all.
- There is nothing to be angry about. Just be lovely and joyful.
- Look at the world with love and passion.
- Life is too short to be angry.
- Just breathe deeply and let it go.
These people have no empathy or understanding for angry people and the anger itself. This approach can only clear out the surface but the roots of the problem cannot be solved that way. If you keep telling these non-sense to angry people, they won’t even pay attention to your advice.
There is only one way…
You can only get better if you understand your anger
When you get angry, the first step should always be to become aware of that.
You should talk to yourself as, “Wait a minute, what have I become defensive? At what point have I felt threatened, so my automatic system needed to warn me about the possible danger?”.
The gate of change can only be opened from the inside after the realization process.
Anger can manifest in our lives in multiple different ways:
- Complaining: You often hear frustrated people complain about their problems all day long.
- Sadness: Sorrow and sadness are also widespread forms of anger. You see these people talking as, “How can everybody be so joyful and happy? Why does life treat me so bad? I cannot see anything good.”
- Hopelessness: When anger got you, you might also lose your hope and start talking like, “Why do I try at all? Why do I need to write these articles? Nobody is going to understand it anyway. Am I going to save the world?”.
- Silence: It also occurs in the form of silence as many people prefer to be silent instead of dealing with the anger at that time. Unfortunately, the more it accumulates inside, the more dangerous it becomes and it turns into rage later on.
The anger is always about our inner world.
Think of three people who are reacting completely different to the same event. Is it possible? Of course, we make events meaningful or not.
Let’s analyze these three people.
- The first one immediately gets pissed off and decides to spread more anger.
- The second one might remain unresponsive and let it go by smiling.
- And the last one might show affection which is the exact opposite of anger.
They all act at that moment from the order comes from their subconscious mind which means they never think as “Wait a minute, how should I behave right now?”.
So, why do these people react differently? Because even though the event is the same, their perception is different.
The anger is about the core of your being.
Without exception, all humans crave for the 6 crucial psychological needs below:
- A sense of belonging (a strong family)
- Significance (To be considered important)
- To feel valuable
If there is leaking in any of these needs, anger might possibly come into existence because there is at least one unfulfilled need behind all anger.
Therefore, most people got the seeds of anger from their dysfunctional families. They keep looking for reasons in the external world. However, you can only get over it by focusing on yourself.
What makes you angry tells a lot about yourself.
Think about it.
If a small problem has the power to make you angry, doesn’t that indicate something about your size?
Weak people try to use anger to mask their weakness and to look strong in the eyes of others. They just want to show you how powerful they are while strong people want you to see how powerful you are.
You can easily detect a weak fighter on the ring as well. The best fighters are always cool and collected because they mastered their emotions.
Like Lao Tzu said, “The best fighter is never angry”.
There is also no way to win in life if something shakes you easily. If you can be triggered, you can be conquered.
What about the anger on the internet?
People are going full-on rage everywhere on the internet.
They spread the negativity of their anger through social media, comment sections, forums. The internet provides an anonymous mask, so people find it easier to tear others down in the virtual world.
They often use rude and insulting words that they would not use in real life. You see their frustration, yelling each other for long hours in heated discussions.
A sane reaction could only be, “Wow, what’s going on here? What’s wrong with them?”.
You immediately understand these people have a very low level of consciousness as a lack of self-control due to being a slave to their emotions.
That’s not a problem with the world, that’s a problem with them. Only losers can get triggered so easily and spread negativity all over the place.
Whenever I see these types of people, I am thinking like “Gosh, they must be living in hell already”.
I can’t even imagine what they have been through to behave like that. These are possibly the manifestation of terrible childhood traumas (being abused, beaten, sexually molested, etc.)
They develop a deep bitterness inside and eventually become hardwired to become an anger machine.
The sad part is that those enraged people have been suppressing their emotions for a long time and they haven’t been able to understand its causes and also the healthy ways to heal it.
The temptation of the emotional relief has taken over them and they can’t defeat it. All they can do is spreading their toxicity. However, that only creates more trauma for themselves because they make the anger poison. This issue cannot be solved by reading an article or a book.
These people will read these words and attack me like “You called us losers! You don’t know shit about shit!”. They just cannot comprehend and admit the severity of their situation.
It has become a vicious cycle for them because they programmed themselves to feel better instead of solving their problems. Do not try to save those people because they don’t want to save themselves.
When you see them, cut it out and do not let them spread their toxicity on you.
I will repeat it again because this is important. Don’t take it personal because it is about them.
Here, I am talking about more mundane forms of anger. Normal people as you can get angry as well.
First, you must know that there is no way to solve any problem by getting angry.
“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
Your subconscious mind reveals itself by sending signals to your conscious with every emotion.
If you have enough self-awareness, you can read these messages and turn them into your advantage. You can use the anger to point you in the right direction.
Why do we get angry?
We get angry when something violates our standards.
Everybody has their own way of understanding about the world. With this understanding, they create a certain model of reality. There is a belief system for how things should be in their world.
Here’s the funny part.
Most people are living in a dream world because they are trapped by their ego. Their standards have nothing to do with the truth. They keep themselves in their fake world created by their ego.
Do you want to piss someone off? Just tell them the truth right in the face.
“If you tell people the truth, make them laugh. Otherwise, they’ll kill you.”
– Oscar Wilde
You can’t just tell people the truth and start break dancing as nothing happened at all. Anger is the by-product of repressing what’s happening by denying the messages come from inside.
When somebody breaks your standards, you become extra critical because you want to shift the focus away from yourself. There is a dissolved part of you that you are actually getting angry at.
Therefore, we can say that anger is a signal of disintegration.
It’s ridiculous how we are trained to suppress our anger. Denying your emotions will always result in a lack of understanding of your identity.
The general approach to anger is usually either erupting or stuffing it inside but both have detrimental costs in our lives.
You can even see the physiological responses as tight shoulders, neck, jaw, acid reflux, and panic attack. Therefore, never ever ignore the red flags because that’ll only make your anger louder.
If your values are out of the integrity of your soul, anger will talk to you as “Stop leaving yourself!”.
Listen to it…
You might have to do some radical changes like
- Changing your job
- Breaking up with your partner
- Letting go off a lot of stuff
If you don’t take action, anger will always be hanging around.
Anger is a wind that blows out the lamp of the mind. It completely blocks the prefrontal cortex in your brain where you make all the rational choices. The amygdala has the upper hand that puts you in a fight or flight situation. You basically stop being a human and let the animal side take over.
That is why it is dangerous.
However, when you learn to express your anger in a healthy way, you can make it your ally. How are you going to do it?
Mindfulness is the only way.
You need to pay attention to your anger with kindness and curiosity.
No judgment, no denying, no making it a big deal because you are about to learn a truth about yourself.
- Deep breathing: This is the first vital element we forget. Always use deep breathing to take control of the moment. It will increase your overall awareness and let you think everything in a clear perspective.
- Realize and accept it: Feel the tension around your body, check out the arousal that comes within you. Do not deny its existence, just feel how powerful it is.
- Question it: What led to this? Which event? Did you do anything wrong? Did you tolerate something out of your value system? Or are you just pissed off because you are wrong? Maybe, you don’t want to face reality.
After these 3 processes, you get a chance to understand the root of your anger.
I often use journaling when negative emotions hit me.
I believe it is the best way to clear your mind because sometimes it is too hard to deal with a lot of thoughts. You just need to see everything on paper.
All you need is to keep your anger in control, see its roots clearly and finally channel its energy to improve your life.
If you do this, anger can help you to make your life better in every possible way.
Just pay attention to it.